One of the benefits of commuting on a Wednesday, is the free issue of Stylist, a weekly mag distributed at railway stations by a tribe of fellas prepared to brave the elements.  So every Wednesday, all crimped with chill and purposeful crowd-drifting, as I am accosted, trotting through the arched walkway from Waterloo Station to the bus, I grab this little bundle of fab pics and easy reads in preparation for my return train journey that evening…

As I read this week’s on the tube home, elbow to elbow with my fellow commuters, I was drawn into Dawn Porter’s ‘Who wants to be the breadwinner?’ and while it’s a great question (and a great read from Miss Porter), it also made me think about the independent women (namely me) who win the bread just for themselves (again, yours truly).

I am in a wonderful relationship and we are very independent financially.  I have been this way my whole life – having seen first-hand the financial fall-out when circumstances change in a relationship – and have always been proud that I work hard, earn well and can reward myself rather than rely on someone else’s financial means or their generosity to do this for me.

But I am with someone who has been married and was (and to a degree still is) the breadwinner so suddenly I’ve been able to see the non-bread-winner in a different light.  And I sometimes wonder at my being so independent and proud and resourceful…when times are tough, there’s someone else to ‘sort it’ or rely on and from the outside, the apparent ‘safety net’ looks pretty appealing. 

But the other part of me still kind of rears up at the thought of not being the source of my life and responsible for my circumstances…and maybe I couldn’t ever let go of that drive to create and fight for the life I want…but the older I get and the more ‘lessons’ that life dishes out, those black and white views get a little grey and from time to time, a little part of me wonders why I want what I want and make choices which take me down difficult roads.

That night when I got home, I flicked through a magazine which had been sitting there for a few days and I read this:

Funny isn’t it that when you let the question come to the surface, the universe finds a way to answer you?

Let the music play on…